Friends, marriage, and longevity
Neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky is one of today's leading experts on stress and, as such, is often asked to give interviews.
In one of them, the reporter asked him what his personal recipe for dealing with chronic stress was. His answer: “I love my job; I exercise regularly and never miss my three soccer games a week; and I've been happily married for almost 20 years.” The reporter was furious. The article was for a magazine aimed at powerful, single female executives.
“Do you realize that these women are on average over 35, live for their work, and may never marry? How can I tell them that they would suffer less from chronic stress if they were married?”
And yet it is a fact: on average, married people get sick less and live longer than single people. Devastating events, such as the death of a child, do not increase mortality in the following years among married parents, but they do increase it among those who were already divorced or widowed at the time of the loss and did not have the support of a spouse. Among patients with serious heart disease, the mortality rate is three times higher among those who do not have the social support of close friends and spouses.
Relationships affect our lives in many ways, and one of them, which has a direct impact on well-being, is the regulation of the stress response. Socially isolated people have an overly active stress response system, which causes high blood pressure, leads to plaque buildup in the arteries, and increases the chance of heart disease. Ultimately, living alone can have as much of a negative impact on longevity as smoking, being hypertensive, obese, or sedentary—all of which are caused by chronic stress.
Of course, this does not mean that marriage is the solution to all problems. It can indeed be a protective factor—but only if it is with the right person. You don't have to be a scientist to know that a bad marriage is bad for your health, with negative consequences for both body and mind.
And besides, having a stable partner is great, but it's not everything. Close friends—good friends, the kind who know our lives, support us in any circumstance, and show up at the first sign of trouble—reduce our response to stress and are incredibly good for our health. But you already knew that...
Excerpt from Suzana Herculano-Houzel (2025) Neuroscience of Everyday Life, originally published in Folha de São Paulo in September 2006